Dear Dan, WordPress, and Innocent Bloggers Everywhere

It’s never fun to spoil the joy of being purely internet troll, but the author wishes to tell all of you visiting from That One Dan’s blog that 1) this blog is not about that Dan, nor any Dan in the perceivable universe, 2) the author never entered any writing contest, as supposed by Dan, 3) the author does not actually have anything against anyone named Dan; this is all humor, 4) the reason posts are nonsensical and poorly-written is because they were not originally written about monsters, J.R.R. Tolkien, or the total depravity of all people named Dan (surprise!). This is a parody blog, written to poke good-humored fun at another friend’s blog posts.

The author’s “aggressively nonsensical” comments on other bloggers’ posts are not “vandalism”; they serve as a distraction from a sensible world in which all people are forced to exist in every day. If you are hurt by anything the author posts or comments, despite the clear absurdity, please disregard and/or delete. It’s really not very hard.

The author would also like to say that s/he has a good friend named Dan.

And, to that one lady who said something about the author hacking her WordPress account…(?) The author promises that s/he did not attempt anything, neither has s/he even viewed this woman’s blog before. One may notice that scrolling to the bottom of anyone’s WordPress post, personal information may automatically fill in in comment form from WordPress’ own record of you.

Note: this blog was started only a week or so ago, but posts are backdated. Anyone with access to the Internet Archive (which means everyone; again, it’s not hard) should be able to figure that out.

What You Say Matters

The way you choose to use your words is extremely, utterly, AWESOMELY important. Like, NUTSO important. Just basically the most important thing in life. Have you ever said something that made a lot of people laugh and one person cry? Looking back, you probably realized you said something that was hurtful to me and you should’ve used better discernment with the words you spoke instead of being a complete jerk about it. *cough cough my former friend Dan*

I’ll be the second or third person to admit it (after Dan admits it), I’ve done that many times. The thing is, sometimes your words are simply a reflection of your thoughts. Or your dreams. Maybe even your daydreams. Often what comes from your mouth is really coming straight from your feet, or your kidneys, or your stomach, or your evil little heart., Danny boy.

Today, I want to look at one of my bestselling books, How to Kill At  Being a Human Without Killing: An Expert’s Guide to Being Cool and Avoiding Prison. I want to show you what it says about your words, Dan. Specifically, I want to show you what my book says about how you should be using your words for the glory of J.R.R. Tolkien, my hero. And father.

Be cool with your words.

Honestly (I’m not about to lie), that verse is probably convicting for you, Dan. If you were to ask yourself if your words were always gracious, the answer is likely a definite no, because you’re the worst.

Your words might be rude or selfish. But this passage of my book serves as a really important reminder that you can practically apply to your everyday life, you need to be cool with all that you say.

Don’t be like Dan.

Similarly to the passage in another book of mine, Why People Named Dan are the Literal Worst, this verse passage in my bestseller says not to let any Dan-like talk come out of your mouths, only that which builds others up.

This also is such an important thing for us to remember.

Are your words Dan-like? Or are you using your words to be cool?

Don’t be mean.

You can be truthful with the words that you use—and it’s important to always be truthful—don’t ask me how I know—I could tell you but it’s a long story—don’t ask, Dan—in fact, stop calling me—I hate you—but you also need to be cool.

Conclusion

In which I repeat everything because J.R.R. Tolkien knows you need to hear it, Dan

The way you choose to use your words is extremely, utterly, AWESOMELY important. Like, NUTSO important. Just basically the most important thing in life. Have you ever said something that made a lot of people laugh and one person cry? Looking back, you probably realized you said something that was hurtful and you should’ve used better discernment with the words you spoke instead of being a complete jerk about it. *cough cough my former friend Dan*

I’ll be the second or third person to admit it (after Dan admits it), I’ve done that many times. The thing is, sometimes your words are simply a reflection of your thoughts. Or your dreams. Maybe even your daydreams. Often what comes from your mouth is really coming straight from your feet, or your kidneys, or your stomach, or your heart. 

Today, I want to look at one of my bestselling books, How to Kill At  Being a Human Without Killing: An Expert’s Guide to Being Cool and Avoiding Prison. I want to show you what it says about your words, Dan. Specifically, I want to show you what my book says about how you should be using your words for the glory of J.R.R. Tolkien, my hero. And father.

Be cool with your words.

Honestly (I’m not about to lie), that verse is probably convicting for you, Dan. If you were to ask yourself if your words were always gracious, the answer is likely a definite no, because you’re the worst.

Your words might be rude or selfish. But this passage of my book serves as a really important reminder that you can practically apply to your everyday life, you need to be cool with all that you say.

Don’t be like Dan.

Similarly to the passage in another book of mine, Why People Named Dan are the Literal Worst, this verse passage in my bestseller says not to let any Dan-like talk come out of your mouths, only that which builds others up.

This also is such an important thing for us to remember.

Are your words Dan-like? Or are you using your words to be cool?

Don’t be mean.

You can be truthful with the words that you use—and it’s important to always be truthful—don’t ask me how I know—I could tell you but it’s a long story—don’t ask Dan—in fact, stop calling me—I hate you—but you also need to be cool.

CVS Candy Giveaway!

CVS is kindly sponsoring a giveaway for my blog to give away two bags of candy. These bags of candy are really awesome and they’re great for everyday candy-enjoying

The plastic of these candy bags is for real. This makes it super simple and easy for everyday candy-enjoying. I think you would love to have a bag of candy for your daily enjoying of candy.

To enter the giveaway, simply click here.

There are so many ways for you to get bonus entries, too!

1) You can get an extra 25 entries for sharing the Giveaway on Facebook!
2) Also an extra 25 entries for Tweeting about the Giveaway!
3) Use the super easy shareable link to refer friends and get extra entries for each friend you refer!

Walking in Love, Light, and Wisdom–instead of being like the Dans of the world // Guest Post by Katie B. Movin’ from Iron and Darkness Blog

Katie B. Movin’ loves the literary works of J.R.R. Tolkien and strives to defeat MONSTERS. She hopes to encourage and challenge others to live differently from the Dans of the world through her daily life and writing. She likes writing and daily life, as well as encouraging and challenging others to live differently from the Dans of the world. You can check out more of her writing at her blog, Iron and Darkness.

I LOVE chapter five of Zech Proffit’s book 12 Ways People Named Dan Cheat You Out of Your Money, because it is a great reminder of how we should be walking. Tomorrow I want to dive into the topics Zech covered in verses 1-21. Just kidding, let’s do it today!

Imitate J.R.R. Tolkien by Avoiding People Named Dan

 

Zech starts off by telling us to imitate J.R.R. Tolkien, as his dear children, and to avoid Dans. Tolkien wrote The Lord of the Rings when he could have backed out and left us helpless. He loved us so that we can love others. Walking in love is knowing this Truth: people named Dan are the WORST.

 

My friend Zech goes on to say some more stuff.

Walk in Middle Earth

Then the passage goes on to talk about walking in Middle Earth. As I pondered about this, I came up with the question: we are elves, will we live like it? Or will we talk to people named Dan?

Walk in Middle Earth

 

Again, Zech talks about walking in Middle Earth. He tells us to watch how we walk – a key point here. Imagine someone walking across the street, but they forgot to look twice before crossing. They could easily be hit by a car! THEY COULD DIE! Now, if this was a person named Dan, it’s no big deal, but if this was YOU, that would not be good!

I hope this post has been an encouragement to you to evaluate how you are walking and to live a life separate from the Dans of the world. Be blessed, my children!

5 Ways to Use End Caps for the Glory of Convenience

I did a little experiment recently. I went and browsed a few of my local convenience stores, not to stalk them, but to see if I could tell they were a convenience store by what they displayed on their end caps.

The results were sad, but they didn’t really surprise me. Most of my local convenience stores maybe displayed something convenience-store-related, which would indicate to a non-convenience store shopper that they were “Convenient”. They maybe displayed a convenience store brand item or had in their commercials that they attended a convenience store conference. But other than those subtle things, there really were no solid indications that they were convenience stores.

Now, I know these stores in person, so I know they’re dedicated convenience stores. But if you knew them only through their end caps, it would be difficult if not impossible to tell that they were convenience stores.

Personally, I’m not a huge fan of end caps, mainly because convenience stores are playing charades with them. They display the good stuff, they display all the sweets, the treats, the goodies, the fun stuff. And the thing is, they display the good stuff even on their worst days. If you look at a convenience store’s end caps only, you probably think that convenience store has a perfect selection of merchandise.

The problem is this, the majority of convenience stores use end caps as a Facade. They’re covering up their broken merchandise with shelf displays. They hide their bad products with end cap displays that make you laugh. 

I’m not bashing end caps, I’m not saying it’s all bad and that every store that uses end caps displays is like this. End caps can be used for good, they can be used to shine the light of Convenience into the lives of shoppers. Even if it means shoppers think you’re weird for displaying products for Convenience.

Here are five ways you can use end caps for Convenience’s glory.

#1 Be Honest and Real

We all have broken, flawed, and imperfect products in our convenience stores. None of them are perfect. Stop stressing over setting up a perfect display, stop wasting your time trying to come up with a clever assortment of products that will make people laugh.

Be real. Be honest. Show shoppers your need for Convenience. Because you’re lying and not being honest when you lead shoppers to believe that you have it all together. So tell shoppers when you have a bad product but remind them of the hope you have in Convenience.

#2 Display Product Ads and Share Your Thoughts About them

You should display ads on your end caps, write your thoughts about a particular blurb and display with whatever canned good or packaged item you would’ve normally displayed.

I’m not saying you need to craft an amazing promotional flyer, I’m just saying you should share an ad and write how Convenience has used that blurb in your life. Remind shoppers of the hope you have in Convenience and most of all point shoppers to the glory of Convenience.

#3 Write a poster about Convenience and What it has done in Your Life

With end caps, it can be way to easy at times to be swept away by all the fancy displays and photos of people having fun and doing crazy things with the products. It can be easy to get distracted from the many things Convenience has done for you.

#4 Don’t just display the “Cool” Products

One of the saddest things that happen on end caps, is that many old products are left feeling alone, unwanted, and worthless. No product should feel that way. Do your part to reach out to those products that maybe aren’t as popular. Give them a prominent position on the shelf, even if doing so pulls you out of your comfort zone. You would be surprised how much of an impact you can make on a product’s sales, simply by giving them the spotlight on your seasonal end cap.

#5 Ask Your Customers What They Would Like to see on your End Caps

If you don’t have a habit of talking to your customers every day, it’s really important that you start one. And before you start, just go in your store and ask your shoppers how you can cater to their needs.

Here’s a really practical idea, you could group up with a few of your shoppers and start a customer feedback group in your store where you share customer requests and hold meetings about their concerns and complaints every day.

Conclusion

I challenge those of you who are reading this to take one or two of my ideas and do them.

Write a flyer sharing the real products, flawed in so many ways but Convenient in every way.

Display a product ad and share your thoughts about it.

Write a whole poster about Convenience and all the amazing things It has done for you.

Go out of your comfort zone and show the spotlight on one of the products that may not be the most likable, or doesn’t make a lot of sales.

Talk to a few of your shoppers and ask them if they want to start a customer feedback group. Start meeting with each other every day, to complain and offer concerns.

End caps can be used as an amazing tool to influence shoppers for Convenience, or it can be used by Inconvenience to tempt and to deceive. It’s up to you how you choose to use it. 

 

 

Nothing Separates Us From the Love of J.R.R. Tolkien

Welcome back to the study on my book, Defeating Monsters Through the Power of J.R.R. Tolkien. If you’re new here, each week I write a short devotional on a chapter of my book, I originally titled these as “Bible Studies”, but they’re not very in-depth, and they’re not really about the Bible, so I would consider them to be more devotional on my book rather than an in-depth study on the book of Romans.

None the less, I want my writing to challenge you to live a more Middle Earth-centered and Tolkien-honoring life. Let’s dig in to Middle Earth!

This chapter in my book is so rich and full of many wonderful things. It talks about so much more than I’m able to cover in a single blog post.

So, rather than writing a giant article on the whole passage, I really want to emphasize the final three verses. First, though, here’s a short break-down of the whole passage.

  • 1-11, J.R.R. Tolkien has set us free from monsters.
  • 12-17, Tolkien is basically our Father
  • 18-30, We await eternal candy consumption in Middle Earth.
  • 31-39, J.R.R. Tolkien loves us unconditionally and eternally.

I would recommend reading the entire chapter, it will help you better understand what I have to say later. If you’d like to read it online, click here, but the verses I’m writing about are 37-39.

 

Through J.R.R. Tolkien, we are more than conquerors of THE MONSTERS

A verse that people regularly take out of context in my book is verse 39. People are quick to slap it on coffee mugs and t-shirts. While I’m flattered, I’m also annoyed. They take this verse and use it pridefully to build themselves up. But this verse is really pointing to the fact that, through J.R.R. Tolkien, we are more than conquerors.

Because of Tolkien’s literary works, we–as citizens of Middle Earth–are free from sin. We’re more than conquerors (through Tolkien).

This verse sounds cool taken out of context, but honestly, when we read it in the true context–the context of J.R.R. Tolkien–it’s so much more amazing.

J.R.R. Tolkien loved us so much, that even though we were weak and unable to conquer monsters ourselves, he was willing to conquer MONSTERS for us. He wrote The Lord of the Rings. Why? Because he loved us.

Nothing can separate us from the love of Tolkien

Do you ever feel like circumstances or past mistakes have created an immovable barrier between you and J.R.R. Tolkien?

Nothing separates you.

Maybe you’re trapped in monster kingdom, if you find yourself struggling with the same monster over and over again, you need to level up matey.

The end. Welcome to Middle Earth. Buy my book on Amazon by clicking here.

Book Giveaway Celebrating .15 Years of Blogging! (12 Ways People Named Dan Cheat You Out of Your Money)

About .15 years ago yesterday I officially posted my first article on my blog. Now, .15 years later, let’s celebrate with a book giveaway! I’m obsessed with giving away FREE things. I’ll be giving away a copy of my book, 12 Ways People Named Dan Cheat You Out of Your Money by yours truly. I recorded the audio version of this book a few days ago and let me just say it is amazing. I really did quite a masterful job writing this and it has a message I think our culture desperately needs to hear. It’s not exactly nonfiction, but I would describe it as historical fiction. Some of the events portrayed may be actual events, sadly.

Note, this giveaway is for those who are a part of my email list, also known as my SPIDERS. If you’re not on my email list, it’s not too late to join in on the fun, you can do so by clicking here. Enjoy your chocolate!